If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
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Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Go hard or stay average
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”