If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Come back with a warrant
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”