If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I’m the neighbor
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.