If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
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One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
this could fix me
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
You learn something every day
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
me when I see my crush
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.