If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
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I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.