If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
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When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…