If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
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Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.