If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
This kid will have a bright future.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao