Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

“OMGJK” -atheists

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf