@Izianikapani

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

@shutupmikeginn

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

@cybersoybean

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

@david8hughes

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

@SlothSlouch

OK, so I kinda panicked during my job interview and said that I’m the guy that invented whales and now I need you guys to back me up on this

@Shade510

She had her hair in a bun for two straight days. When she took it out, it didn’t move.

I wanted to call her on it.

…but after the death stare she gave me while I was eating that burrito, I thought better of it.

@CeCePleasants

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

@Holy_Mowgli

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

@milehighocd

Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*