If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

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King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping


I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.


I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.


My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.


A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.


Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.


Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!


Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.


Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.