If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
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-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?