Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
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If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth the $20
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
The main reason I got married is that I really hate driving..
I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I’m going to answer it is your second mistake.
@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God
Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed
Spelling is very important in cosmetic surgery no one wants buttocks injected into their face
I don’t hold grudges.
-the guy who still refuses to listen to the Offspring after they used ‘cinco’ twice in the same line to get the lyric to fit.
I just made my Chiropractor’s day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.