@Izianikapani

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

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@outsmartedmommy

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

@TheBoydP

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

@DannyMcH2O

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

@better_off_dad

Doc: So you’re not sleeping?
Me: nah
D: how much water do you drink?
M: a glass a day
D: Alcohol?
M: 4 glasses
D: Coffee?
M: Yes, please

@rickkondell

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

@trojansauce

DAVE: sorry im late alvin needed me
DATE: is that your son?
DAVE: for the last time gwen, he’s the lead singer in the chipmunk band i manage

@stephanieboland

On the sofa and hear boyfriend start laughing to himself in the kitchen.

Turns out he’d just learned that 88 couples have come out of quarantine in China and immediately filed for divorce