[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
OK, so I kinda panicked during my job interview and said that I’m the guy that invented whales and now I need you guys to back me up on this
She had her hair in a bun for two straight days. When she took it out, it didn’t move.
I wanted to call her on it.
…but after the death stare she gave me while I was eating that burrito, I thought better of it.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.
Me: *stabs fork into eye*