If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

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Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.


If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth the $20


Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.


I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I’m going to answer it is your second mistake.


@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.


Judge: how do you plead?

Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God

Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed


Spelling is very important in cosmetic surgery no one wants buttocks injected into their face


I don’t hold grudges.

-the guy who still refuses to listen to the Offspring after they used ‘cinco’ twice in the same line to get the lyric to fit.


I just made my Chiropractor’s day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.