@Torgo_phylum
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
@Izianikapani
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
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@Torgo_phylum
@ChemBtwnUs
Having dinner with my phone and some people.
@darksidedeb
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
@PeteBlackburn
I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.
@iamspacegirl
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
@Tmoney68
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
@TuffyNyC
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
@ThisOneSayz
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
@thongbeard
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
@EricaTheThor
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.