@Izianikapani

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

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@Torgo_phylum

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

@darksidedeb

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

@PeteBlackburn

I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.

@iamspacegirl

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

@Tmoney68

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

@TuffyNyC

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

@ThisOneSayz

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

@thongbeard

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

@EricaTheThor

Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.