If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
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You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
😾
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
❤️❤️❤️
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I forgot how to panic. Help
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.