If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
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You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Gods work.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
God has abandoned us.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.