If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
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I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
when you order from DoorDastardly
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I just want an internship man
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.