Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

i feel so bad i refunded him

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait