Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

yeah not falling for this one

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.