Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good let them take over I have had enough

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

i love meeting boys on tinder

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

True freaking story!

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold