Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teamwork makes the dream work.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.