If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
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I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today