If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Does your wife know you’re single?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you