Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

Old old old old old west

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

Lol

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard