If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined