If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.