If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
You Might Also Like
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here