If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.