If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
“time flies” then why the hell is it still January bro
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
placebo pills? more like sike meds
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
termite twitter scares me
