If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon