If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait