If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied