If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Just as the prophecy foretold
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
She knows her part so well!
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.