If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.