If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Happy Thanksgiving
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.