If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish