Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

money maker

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.