If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”