Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

I’m tired tomorrow.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses