If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
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I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.