Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session