If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
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The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
iPhone X
