If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
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For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*