Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.