Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders