If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
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I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Huge if true.
I think I’m having a stroke
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY