If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
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O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
🤣
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!