“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
You Might Also Like
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Why is this me 😫
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.