Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

The honesty is refreshing

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

Mmmm. Shoeshi

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.