Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.