If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
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I would move hell over six inches for you
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.