Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

me before I type out affect or effect

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

Here to help