If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
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Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare