If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
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dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.