If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
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*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
What’s a Messi?
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.