Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.