Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

Hey Fugeddaboutit

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

Rather alarming headline…

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on