If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
💀💀💀💀
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
and now we wait
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
yall want some gasoline milk
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Sing it!
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail