if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
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My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast