if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
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Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.