if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
You Might Also Like
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Thursday
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.