if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat