Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?