If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
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Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Has science gone too far?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng