If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
You Might Also Like
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.