If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.