If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.