If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
stop
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic