If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.