Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’