If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
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Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
this is literally a CIA plant
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
okay run it by me one more time
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?