If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
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I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
I love wikipedia
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
TODAY
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.