If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
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Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.