If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
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Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
NASA has no chill
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo