If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
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I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
quarantine day 3
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
this FaceApp is creepy af
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.