Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is