If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
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Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Let’s Go
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.