If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
You Might Also Like
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
The most important meal of the day is the next one
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….