Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

Mad Max Arctic Road

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

Wait a minute…

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum