If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
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Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly