If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
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I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Steam Forums
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.