Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.