If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
You Might Also Like
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Many hands make light work
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Happy Febuary everyone!
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
❤️❤️❤️
