If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
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“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane