Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

live, laugh, laundry.

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

Yes 😂

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent