Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?