Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

Note to self: I am a note

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye