If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
motivation
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good