If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
You Might Also Like
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
WHY would you be happy about this?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
technically true but not a great slogan
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.