If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
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I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.